1 Year ago - today:

I was sitting in a big leather chair at the Cancer Center of Kansas receiving my first chemo treatment.  It was a 4.5 hour process - mainly due to it being the first one of the series with additional instruction and prep.  My husband and my Mom joined me as we sat at one end of the room that contained about 6-8 of these chairs. Each with a rolling IV pole hem.  It was very surreal.  I had known for a month that I would getting chemo, but here I sat actually "plugged in" via a port that had been implanted in my chest.  Today, I still have that port.  It is easy to find as a 1.5 inch scar marks the spot.


I get emotional thinking about that day.  Will I still have these emotions two years from now? three? or four?  I suspect yes.  Especially if FB and my journal app continues to remind me of past posts. I laugh about those posts now as I remember when this all started, I said to my mom or maybe it was my siblings or husband how I was not going to be one of "those people" that overshares their cancer troubles or hashtag "insert cancer phrase here" on social media.  Nor was I going to wear pink tees, bracelets and cancer ribbons.  That stuff wasn't for me.  I don't need to "advertise" my experience.  No way was I doing that.  But. . . here I am. . . writing on my Pink Gravel page. 

While I eat those past words, I do know why my thought process changed.  It wasn't accidental.  And I know some may be disappointed that I failed to resist.  Especially after scrolling past my posts. . . my long posts.  I admit, it can be annoying; but those posts and shares do serve a purpose to the one fighting.

Now, I can only speak for myself.  I learned those actions are not done for attention or a sympathy grab.  (I actually don't handle attention too well, it makes me uncomfortable) I found that embracing cancer ribbons, quotes and hashtags helped get through it all and continues to be apart of my healing process.  While my body was cut, injected with chemicals then blasted with radiation; my brain was left hanging trying to grasp my new physical weaknesses, side effects and challenges.  All the same time, trying to remain calm and not freak out.  I also did not want my family, my friends to freak out or feel sad about what I was going thru either.  If you worry about me, then I worry more, then you worry more and so on.  I found rallying behind cancer awareness, sharing stories, wearing pink and liking anything with a screw cancer vibe was a welcomed distraction for my brain and it is a fun way for others to show support . . . especially when limited due to Covid.  These actions made my low moments shorter and less frequent which in turn helped keep the family spirits up too.

So a win, win.

And let's be real, who doesn't have fun rocking hot pink?
#cancersucks
#pinkgravel
#positivevibing
#cancerswag
#rockingribbons