dig deep

What began in October 2019 was completed one year ago on May 4, 2020.   

That period of time involved mammogram, sonogram, a biopsy, cancer confirmation, waiting on BRCA results, another mammogram, waiting on MammaPrint results, surgery, waiting to heal, surgery - port placement, waiting to heal, 3 months with chemo, Covid-19 restrictions, radiation everyday for 4 weeks, grow some hair out to finally have the port removed this past February of 2021.   Whew, say that with one breath! 

I don't think of myself as a "tough person".  I really don't like pain.  My parents will tell you I can be stubborn which I suppose could be interpreted as tough.   But deep inside lies an overactive mind full of what if "insert worse case scenario here".  I have always been like that; just maybe not as vocal about my "worst case scenario" thoughts as I am now.   So if I am being honest with myself, I am very surprised I didn't get sucked into a depression during my cancer experience.  I had moments of course, but nothing that lasted over 24 hrs.  Friends, family and maybe even you have expressed to me how strong I have been and inspiring.  Which is somewhat uncomfortable for me to hear as I wasn't going for that necessarily.  I just wanted to get through it for my family, friends, myself and survive.  But the support received from sharing this experience enabled me to dig deeper and avoid dwelling on those "what if" thoughts.  I was able to continue forward and spot the positive, laugh at my predicament, and find the energy to keep going with a smile - most of the time *wink*.  With the support, I knew I was going to be ok.

Today, it seems fitting that upon this anniversary, I find myself needing to dig deep yet again to contain post cancer anxiety sprinkled with panic attacks that appeared out of no where.  I don't know what caused it to appear now . . . the cancer experience, the year 2020,  or the vaccine shot or maybe I was just predestined to go thru this at 46 yrs old.  

Just another one of life's challenges that requires a bigger shovel.   #positivevibing